Leto... Douche (Image: ThirtySecondsToMarsVevo)
Ten Worst Songs of 2013 – 1. “Do or Die” by Thirty Seconds to Mars
Published on December 16th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
We finish our countdown of the ten worst songs of 2013 with a most worthy winner: it’s Jared Leto egomobile Thirty Seconds to Mars with “Do or Die”, a song so abominable that they just had to come up with a video to match.
Said video begins with the message “Warning: this video may cause viewers with photo sensitive epilepsy and other types of conditions to potentially experience seizures. Viewer discretion is advised.” However, this doesn’t even come close to being an acceptable forewarning of the Pandora’s box you’ve just thrust open by clicking play.
Basically, the promotional video to “Do or Die” by Jared Leto vanitywagon Thirty Seconds to Mars comprises of fans, conceivably real people, talking about what music means to them, all interspersed with footage of our heroes totally rocking out on a big stage while the crowd goes nuts to the emo-accentuated, tacky-synth-infested stadium guff on offer.
And it’s directed by Jared Leto. There’s your guarantee of satisfaction.
If you have but half a brain to call your own, then what “Do or Die” does most effectively as a package is to bring out the very worst in you. The more insistently it tugs at your heartstrings, the more preposterous and downright insulting the whole thing gets…so much so that you’ll almost start to feel bad for scoffing at a young guy talking about how music helped him cope with the loss of his father.
Don’t feel bad, though; you’re being emotionally exploited, way beyond John Lewis Christmas ad levels of exploitation and into previously uncharted territory of shameless manipulation.
“Every time I listen to this song I think about my dad, and that’s why I decided to play it at his funeral,” says dead dad guy at the beginning, giving no indication as to whether or not he’s talking about “Do or Die”, but then why would his dad want the new Thirty Seconds to Mars single played at his funeral?
“Noooo!” he might have been crying out from beyond the grave. “Play the Everly Brothers! Or Chuck Berry! I *like* Chuck Berry!” After all, the opening line of “Do or Die” is “In the middle of the night, when the angels scream”…because their sons are playing horrendous songs at their funerals, we now know.
“Do or Die”? This arl fella clearly chose the latter option, and why not when the alternative is living in a world where Jared Leto gets to do anything? Anyway, cut to credits, then back to dead dad guy, who says, “Yeah, just a heart attack,” before we go back into the credits.
Presumably this directorial choice was made by Leto in order to demonstrate that dead dad guy’s dad was not killed by listening to “Do or Die”, in case any acerbic bloggers out there might have been tempted to make the connection. “I feel like something very important is missing right now” dead dad guy goes on to say, and we submit that he may have been referring to his sleeves:
Wait, there’s more: “When I saw how fast my dad was gone, it was like *clicks fingers*”…hmmm. Thirty seconds, by any chance? Immediately cut to a credit that begins “Starring Jared Leto”. Oh aye.
From thereon in we are introduced to an array of other people explaining why they need music in their lives, all of which serves to feed fat the whopping great elephant in the room planted there by Thirty Second to Mars’s tenuous-at-best resemblance to real, actual music.
We see Leto wearing shades and being mobbed by baying crowds; just like The Beatles, except nothing at all like The Beatles. The message is quite clear, though: Jared Leto thinks he’s Beatles.
“OH WOAH OH WOAH OH WOAAHHH! That’s how the story goes” Leto caterwauls in the chorus; as you can see, it’s not much of a story. We’re even shown a kid in the crowd wearing a Nirvana t-shirt, as if that wouldn’t make Kurt Cobain spin so hard in his grave that the coffin would propel upwards through the turf munching on a carrot and exclaim “Eeeehhhh, I shoulda toined left at Albuquoique!”
If you’ve ever listened to a Thirty Seconds to Mars tune and thought, even for a second, “Hey, this is quite good,” then we’re sorry to inform you that music is not for you. Step away from music.
Go back to Orange County. Or Dawson’s Creek. Or Hollyoaks. Whichever district of the seventh layer of Hell it is that you hail from.
Come on, Jared Leto is Satan, right? Surely the cat’s out the bag now. The sheer brass neck and lack of self-awareness evident in “Do or Die” is quite gobsmacking, and the mere existence of this faux-inspirational douche juice makes Rocksucker want to curl up into a little ball and cry.
We implore you, fellow Earthlings, to give Jared Leto a wide berth in anything he ever does for the rest of his wretched life. The emotionally exploitative, artistically obsolete, megalomaniacal super douche.
As the cherry on the big slab of steaming barf cake, the end credits resolve by flashing up the word ‘Sisyphus’. Now, in Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king punished for chronic deceitfulness by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever.
We invite you to draw your own parallels with “Do or Die” by Thirty Seconds to Mars.
NOW: check out the rest of our top ten worst songs of 2013!