Tegan & Sara Tegan & Sara… Watching paint dry

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Tegan & Sara, Bon Jovi, Alicia Keys and more!

Published on June 12th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

Some songs are bloody awful. In that spirit, here are the worst of this week’s singles…

Alicia Keys – “New Day”

…same old drivel. Arf!

Honestly, if it was any good at all, we’d say so. We’ve no particular axe to grind with Keys, at least not compared to some of the even duller trash flying straight from the back of the weekly dump truck of singles into Rocksucker’s windscreen.

“Party people say ‘hey'” – see, just one quoted lyric and you pretty much have the gist of it already. In that respect, “New Day” is quite clever; in every other way, it screams cynicism from the very depths of where its soul would be if it had one. You know, take the beat from popular tune X, the melody/vocal style from popular tune Y, et voila,: guaranteed box-tickin’ money-maker.

If this really is a new day then consider it a chilling vision of things to come.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Blake – “So Happy”

Well, it’s about time someone crossed McFly with Wham!.

At least Blake don’t try to sound like Drake, Nick Drake, their namesake James, or even Jake [Bugg]. Unfortunately for these The Voice contestants, absolutely everything to emanate from The Voice should be treated with the contempt it deserves, and although this isn’t as horrific as Alicia Keys’s effort above – it has some semblance of a tune, at least – it remains a feeble attempt at forcing our words right back down our stupid mouths. If that is indeed what Blake were trying to do, which they obviously weren’t.

To be frank, Blakey from On the Buses is much more entertaining than this, as is former Wales striker Nathan Blake. Go check them out instead.

Rocksucker says: One a Half Quails out of Five!

a quailhalf a quail

Bon Jovi – “What About Now”

Nope, still sounds dreadfully dreary, Jon. Maybe try turning the volume down? That’s it, right down to zero.

Okay, now it’s fine!

Alternative write-up: this sounds oddly like Cast meets The Killers. It also makes Bryan Adams sound like Opeth.

Conclusion: “Livin’ on a Prayer” was a fluke.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Bridgit Mendler – “Hurricane”

Oh boy, our favourite! Mendler’s previous single “Ready or Not” was sufficiently appalling to not just earn itself the award of a Dead Quail but also to lead Rocksucker to call for a mass cull of everyone who liked it. When one song has you clamouring for the obliteration (or at the very least segregation) of 29 million people, you know it’s bringing out the very worst in you.

(Disclaimer: we’re not being serious. If anyone goes out and murders 29 million people, don’t hold us responsible. However, were they to forcibly isolate them onto their own desert island or something, we expect to take some credit. “Non-violent, direct action”.)

If we are indeed all capable of evil, Mendler’s inane bleating might very well be the tipping point in many if not most cases. Basically, we don’t much care for “Hurricane” either, but it’s an improvement on “Ready or Not” so this time Mendler gets an improved score of zero.

Rocksucker says: Zero Quails out of Five!

Bring Me The Horizon – “Go To Hell For Heaven’s Sake”

It’s rare for a single to come equipped with a title that succinctly reviews the four singles above it, but the high horse is flattened somewhat by the growly emo/nu-metal nonsense that sounded gash in 2000 and hasn’t aged well since.

There’s enough of a discernable attempt at constructing something unto itself to stave off the ignominy of mingling with Mendler in quail purgatory, but it just can’t help itself from sounding like Linkin Park almost to a tee. In fact, all it’s missing is a cringeworthy ‘rap’ about being “close to the edge” or some such baloney.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quailhalf a quail

Mark Owen – “Stars”

As laughable as the notion of a Mark Owen solo comeback undoubtedly is, the song itself is no laughing matter. The Take That chap might seem like a nice enough fella, but this is such stodgily earthbound fare that it makes a mockery of his astronaut getup in the video. In fact, it sounds like Ronan Keating.

“Gee, thanks!” Owen might reply to that comparison, and in all seriousness too.

Imagine discovering intelligent life on another planet squillions of light years away, then finding out that this was what their music sounded like. You’d turn back immediately without leaving an email address.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Tegan & Sara – “I Was a Fool”

Tegan and/or Sara can write as eloquently and as passionately as they like about how Tyler, The Creator has some nasty lyrics, but if their counter proposal is a world full of identikit Smooth FM guff like this then we’re going to have to side with the guy who, for all his lyrical roughhousing, makes genuinely creative, otherworldly and frequently beautiful music. Isn’t that what music should be about? To stir emotions, charter new territory, forge something new and exciting? Because Tegan & Sara fail miserably on each of these counts.

The problem is arguably not so much Tyler’s shock tactics as the world’s inability/unwillingness to not to take it literally. It’s understandably reviled in some (many) quarters but, purely in terms of creativity and the ability to service Great Mother Music as She should be, Tegan & Sara would appear to be the more dangerously stifling proposition.

Kids: say no to insipid stadium ballads!

Rocksucker says: Too dull for a score!

Wiley feat. Angel & Tinchy Stryder – “Lights On”

Another week, another Ibiza-ready fart of a single from the supposedly charismatic Wiley and various uninspiring cohorts, in this instance incorporating the limpest, soggiest of chorus vocals from Angel.

Footballers will love it, and that’s all you need to know.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Tune in tomorrow for The Rest of This Week’s Singles!

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.