Will.i.am… Somehow, the world’s least talented man gets to judge the talents of others (Image: Thomas Crenshaw)

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Will.i.am, Bieber, Nelly, Angel and more!

Published on April 10th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

Sit tight: we’ve got The Worst of This Week’s Singles all bound together and assigned one review each, entirely for your convenience, of course…

Angel – “The World”

Took me all of half a second to hate this. Whiny, autotuned arse gravy = 800,000 YouTube hits, whambamthankyoumam.

“Close your eyes / We’re going to the other side”: deep stuff, you total queg. If this sounds good to you then you’re either a footballer or someone else whose job involves repeatedly bashing your head against something.

Didn’t take long for someone to bring out the Dead Quail this week. Where does the world go from here?

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Funeral For A Friend – “Nails”

“I’m never going to change”: that’s the first line of “Nails”, serving to anticipate Rocksucker’s preconceived notion of it sounding just like Funeral For A Friend, which it does.

If you manage not to laugh at their earnest expressions in the video then you may proceed to level 2.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Jenn D – “You Keep Giving Me Love”

Here is a list of things we hate about Jenn D’s new single “You Keep Giving Me Love”:

1) Her voice

2) The Autotune

3) The ‘pop-rave’ production

4) The lines “Come and play in my jungle / Crawl in under my skin / I know we can make it digital”

5) The fact that she’d be so presumptuous as to title the song “You Keep Giving Me Love” when in fact we hate the song and therefore her by association

6) The suspicion that she had very little to do with the song’s conception, and that even if she did then she’s still rubbish because it’s rubbish

7) By the end of the song, her face, for the association it holds with three minutes and seventeen seconds of the most brainless, heartless, soulless music you’ll hear all year

You know what, though? It’s still better than Angel.

Rocksucker says: Not a Solitary Quail out of Five!

Nelly – “Hey Porsche”

Wow. Just…wow.

It appears that Nelly is 5ive now. Interesting development.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

The Pigeon Detectives – “I Won’t Come Back”

The problem with pigeons is that they do come back, what with that homing instinct of theirs. That’s why they’ve been used to deliver messages.

Sometimes pigeons come back bearing frightfully dreary indie disco, and this is where problems can arise.

Basically, 2001 called: it wants its pigeons back. Chortle!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Will.i.am feat. Justin Bieber – “That Power”

Okay everyone, let’s get a move on: planet Earth is no longer inhabitable.

Come on, get on the rocket ships, no time for dilly dallying with such contamination afoot. What? Well, we’re not meant to say in case the panic spreads, but apparently there’s an escaped track featuring both Will.i.am and Justin Bieber on the loose, and it is chewing on the Empire State Building like a candy stick as we speak.

What? No, there is no hope. This is the tipping point: it’s either nuclear war or get the hell out of here, so we’re getting the hell out of here while North Korea pisses around consulting the user’s manual.

Yes, there is a chance we might not make it. A very real chance. I’m sorry.

NOW, SET COURSE TO MARS!

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

Tune in tomorrow for The Rest of This Week’s Singles!

Artists: angel, funeral for a friend, jenn d, nelly

About the Author

Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.