Disnified warbletron Babyface and Toni “Unbreak My Heart (Capital FM remix)” Braxton
The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Miley, Wiley, Blunt, Blue and more!
Published on February 6th, 2014 | Jonny Abrams
Are you ready for our reviews of the worst of this week’s singles? Well, then get ready while we reel off the names of some of this week’s inglorious participants: Miley Cyrus, James Blunt, Blue, Ms Dynamite, Diane Birch, Wiley, Babyface, Toni Braxton…
…yes, Toni Braxton! Ready now? Then once more into the fray…
Diane Birch – “All the Love You Got”
“Was I too emotional?” Yes, Diane. “Too many puzzles for your simple soul?” Well, there’s a nice key change just before the chorus…wouldn’t call it a puzzle, though. The rest just sounds like the incense and Phil Collins she lists as her ‘loves’ on Twitter.
They should have just looped that key change and cut out all the schmaltzy bits. To be fair, it sounds like bloody Pet Sounds compared to most of the singles you’re about to have thrust in your direction.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
DJ Fresh vs Jay Fay feat. Ms Dynamite – “Dibby Dibby Sound”
We get the feeling you’ll be hearing an awful lot of this one, with awful very much the operative word. Still a rung or two above what’s to follow, mind.
It’s actually kind of fun at first, so the impending irritation will feel like a bit of a shame.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Toni Braxton, Babyface – “Hurt You”
Well if it ain’t ol’ Toni “Unbreak My Heart (Capital FM remix)” Braxton!
Glorious comeback it ain’t exactly, although Braxton does fare better than Disnified warbletron Babyface.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Angel – “Us”
Video begins with a Nelson Mandela quote, just to get the delusions of grandeur in there nice and early.
This is hideous: keening Chris Brown caterwauling, a de rigeur “woah oh oh” refrain and a frantic production that might have added something of interest but just ends up adding to the confusion.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Future, Miley Cyrus feat. Mr Hudson – “Real and True”
When the vocal kicks in, it’s literally corrosive to the ears – you may develop an infection from hearing it, so jarring and horrible is it.
The rest of the track’s limper than a limping limpet. It’s that limp. And it’s the 247th single this calendar year already to feature Miley Cyrus.
There’s even worse ahead, we can assure you.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Blue – “Broken”
Absolutely piss-weak, of course, but at least the lyrics are amusingly dreadful.
Rocksucker let it play on for almost three minutes trying to summon more invective. So sapping is “Broken”, however, that none was forthcoming.
It just drains you of your very essence, your life force. But Anthony Costa’s in it, and he’s undoubtedly a musician of considerable talent.
Very much the Lennon of his day. Get him out of Blue, they’re holding him back!
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
James Blunt – “Heart to Heart”
“Maybe if I put electric guitar in it, people won’t think I’m a total dipstick.”
“Heart to Heart” proves beyond any reasonable doubt that, however much he may amuse mildly on Twitter, James Blunt cannot help but be the musical equivalent of a toxic emission.
Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!
Mike Delinquent Project feat. Wiley – “Wiggle (Movin’ Her Middle)”
Join Wiley as he jocularly recounts a sexual assault on a girl in a club.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Yolanda Be Cool feat. SYF & Fritz Helder – “All That She Wants”
No! Leave Ace of Base alone!
Good grief, is nothing sacred?
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Those were The Worst of This Week’s Singles. Now check out The Best of This Week’s Singles!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
