We may have amended this slightly
The worst of this week’s singles: Kings of Leon, Elton John, Miley Cyrus and more!
Published on September 18th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
The perpetrators of the worst of this week’s singles are a ripe old bunch: Kings of Leon, Elton John, Miley Cyrus, Jason Derulo, 2 Chainz, Avicii, Tom Odell, Fenech-Soler, Diana Vickers and Birdy.
All your ****ing favourites, ****heads!
Now, strap yourselves down and tape your eyelids open for the following atrocities…
Avicii – “You Make Me”
“We are one / One for sure / We’re united / Want some more / OOOOOHHH-OH-OH-OH!”
Yes, it’s that good, folks!
Hello everyone, good to be back. We’ll be joined this week by Rocksucker tech guru Tom, who will be chipping in with the odd comment as and when he sees fit.
Any thoughts on this one, Tom?
Tom: Not really.
Tom, thank you.
Tom: It is quite familiar, actually. Maybe we’ve listened to it before?
The Devil comes in many forms, Tom…and they all sound exactly the same.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Elton John – “Home Again”
Kids! This is what happens when you take loads and loads of cocaine: you turn into a melodramatic Ronan Keating.
Tom: I think it’s really nice and gentle, the kind of thing I’d like to have on in my living room.
Some context: Tom is a Watford fan and therefore biased.
Tom: Don’t put that.
I won’t.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Fenech-Soler – “Last Forever”
So featureless and indistinct from the reams of similarly-minded synth-pop doing the rounds that it might as well be a seminar on how to write one of the slightly less shit songs on a Hollyoaks soundtrack.
Who actually needs this in their life? Serious question, because the only plausible answer would be someone who’s never heard any other music.
“We can waste time together” – thanks Fenech-Soler, I feel we’ve achieved that.
Tom: It’s nice enough. Not particularly exciting.
A more appropriate title might be “Forever Last”.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Birdy – “Wings”
Greetings, Sickly Power Ballad With Exasperatingly Expensive-Looking Video #76,348,012.
Please take a seat in the waiting room marked ‘Disdain’ and we’ll try to quail you as soon as we can.
Tom: It’s beautiful! She’s so lonely. With a name like Birdy and a title like “Wings” I thought it would be one of those one-hit novelty songs.
You’re thinking of “The Birdie Song”, Tom.
Tom: I wonder if all her song titles are about birds.
“Tit”.
Rocksucker says: One out of Five!
Diana Vickers – “Music to Make Boys Cry”
We’ll try to avoid the hardcore sarcasm invited by the title, but we will say it’s like an ’80s pop hit with all the fun sucked out of it and replaced with the pure elemental form of ‘insipid’.
Hey, she’s hot though. And at the end of the day, isn’t that really what matters?
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Kings of Leon – “Supersoaker”
The kings of sheen-laden Cletus-rock are back! What a slick, marketable product this is. Hurrah for Holy Mother Music!
If an original thought ever entered their heads, they would surely explode, and it would be by far the most spectacular thing they’d ever done.
Easy target? Yes, and with good reason. We eagerly await Q Magazine’s rave review of their new album.
Tom: Boring.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”
Oh, DO shut up.
Mind you, “Wrecking Ball” is a suitable title for how it reflects Cyrus’s potentially destructive effect on the moral fabric of society.
Erm…
LOLZ!!
Tom: I thought it sounded like that tune (sings) “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” What is that tune?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Jason Derulo feat. 2 Chainz – “Talk Dirty”
Erm…
Tom?
Tom: This is ridiculous.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Tom Odell – “Grow Old With Me”
Sit through the entirety of this vomitous emoti-ballad and you will indeed grow old with Tom Odell.
It may be heartfelt, but that doesn’t stop it being ****ing ****.
Tom: I would have stuck up for him if it wasn’t for the “make me come” line. Bit rude.
Rocksucker says: Zero Quails out of Five!
Jessie J – “It’s My Party”
…and I’ll cry if I want to.
Thought of that one before even hearing the song, and yet it still applies. Don’t you just hate it when you know you’ll hate something and you do indeed hate it?
Hate hate hate. Stewing in the stuff, here.
Jessie J: your guarantee of dissatisfaction.
Tom: I hate it when they intersperse these tunes with bits of speech. It always reminds me of that N-Dubz tune that goes “my name’s Shaniqua, and what?” or something like that.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Those were the worst of this week’s singles for yiz. Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week’s singles!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
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