Euch
The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Lawson, Timberlake, Glasvegas and more!
Published on July 11th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
As is customary, this week’s singles contains some right old duffers. Here they are, in ascending order of horribleness…
Chvrches – “Gun”
Good news, everyone: Dirty Dancing is now a band!
“I will be a gun and it’s you I’ll come for” is a bit of a ‘snake in the fluff’, mind.
Rocksucker says: Two and a Half Quails out of Five!
Calvin Harris feat. Ayah Marar – “Thinking About You”
Pretty good for what it is: a mid-’90s ‘dance’ hit out of time, with extra added rubbery electronic bits
Livin’ Joy, Alex Party, Corona, Strike, Nightcrawlers, Snap! and Grace can be proud of leaving such a legacy.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Glasvegas – “If”
Presented here by none other than William Shatner, which makes the song all the more underwhelming.
The vocal just feels limp and whiny, especially amidst the grasp for ‘epic’ of the Highlands/whale music fast-picked guitar and slow-burning dynamic.
This “If” is really more of a “but”, not that that makes any sense.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Mutya Keisha Siobhan – “Flatline”
Aren’t these three of the millions of girls who were Sugababes at one point or another?
And are they actually serious with their selection as Pop Song Analogy for Relationship Breakdown #6,034,912 of “Stay gone, darling I won’t hang on / I can feel the flatline, there oughta be a wave”?
And what the hell does “The change was obvious, so miscellaneous” mean? Not to mention the unintentionally hilarious “Remember baby, we’re like a pack of cards / The king and queen of hearts all fall down”.
Fluffiest song about death ever.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Justin Timberlake – “Tunnel Vision”
Only Justin Timberlake can make a procession of bare breasts boring, continuing as he does to play How Many Items, Conditions and Abstract Concepts Can You Equate to Rumpy Pumpy with “I got that tunnel vision for you”.
We had to google the lyrics to check if he actually was singing “I’m so dumb, I’m so dumb, I’m so dumb”; alas, it is in fact “I’m so gone, I’m so gone, I’m so gone”.
If only his label came to a similar conclusion.
Oi, Timberlake! Stop dragging Timbaland down by association!
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Burns – “Limitless”
Limitless is this song’s ability to bore you in ways you’d never even imagined; new and exciting ways.
Perhaps its sole saving grace is the notion – in all likelihood a fanciful one – of the chosen artist name being a Simpsons reference.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj = “I’m Out”
Must…scrape out…own brain…and shred it.
Ouch.
Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!
Iggy Azalea -“Bounce”
If you’re over the age of 16 and see any genuine merit in this, there’s probably something wrong with you.
We’re sorry you had to find out this way.
Iggy Azalea is to music as oil spill is to ocean. Well, not quite, but you catch our drift.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Rihanna feat. David Guetta – “Right Now”
…on which Rihanna and Guetta lament not being able to “get back yesterday” while simultaneously wasting everyone’s time.
Rotten, rotten, rotten.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Sebastian Ingrosso, Tommy Trash, John Martin – “Reload”
Whoever these guys are, we hope we never have to listen to them again.
Awful. Just awful.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Lawson feat. B.O.B. – “Brokenhearted”
ALERT: THE MAROON 5 VIRUS HAS MUTATED AND IS NOW SPREADING WORLDWIDE!
EVACUATE EARTH IMMEDIATELY!
SAVE YOURSELF, IT’S TOO LATE FOR THE QUAILS!
Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!
OH IT’S HORRIBLE! IT’S GOT PROJEKT WEEKEND AND ADAM LAMBERT TOO!
Projekt Weekend – “Second To None”
Adam Lambert – “Never Close Our Eyes”
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
WHO EVEN ARE PROJEKT WEEKEND AND ADAM LAMBERT??
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
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