Review: Lady Gaga – ARTPOP
Published on November 13th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
In titling her third album ARTPOP, Lady Gaga has really made a statement. That statement is: “I have absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever.”
At a time when Lou Reed‘s passing has the world digging out his records and remembering just how thrilling pop music can be when its boundaries are explored and recast, Lady Gaga has some front to be conferring artistic importance on her own glossy ‘n’ glitzy wares.
There’s some decent enough production on one or two of the tracks – blimey, is that Infected Mushroom’s name we see in the credits? – so ARTPOP is a rung or two above fellow “do a song about how shallow the industry is and call it commentary” merchants such as Marina and the Diamonds.
Ultimately, though, any pros are resoundingly countered by the inexorable con (in more than one sense) that is Lady Gaga’s painstakingly constructed, savagely uninspiring persona.
Lady Gaga is an all-too-easy subject of ire for the likes of us: let’s just acknowledge that right here and now, so you can be in no doubt that we’re not trying to be clever by taking potshots.
These days, the clever thing to do is to embrace manufactured pop music as a separate commodity and critique it with almost ironically drawn-up criteria, like Kitty Empire does for The Guardian.
That would be the clever thing to do. It would show how open-minded and unjudgemental we are, how we don’t get sniffy about simple pleasures, how attentive we are to the subjectivity of musical reception in all its mysterious forms.
And then we would review a Big Mac. Cheese stuck to the box a bit this time, but more lettuce than the last one: three quails out of five!
Anyway, in keeping with the theme of experimentation and innovation, we toyed with a new format by reviewing ARTPOP live on Twitter. Here’s what we said, interspersed by some subsequently inserted ‘bonus’ commentary:
Okay, we're kicking off the live commentary of the new #LadyGaga album. She sits on the cover nude, legs akimbo and cupping her breasts. ART
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Definitely art. Undeniably art. Naked lady always = art, that’s been in effect for centuries. Naked man = indecent exposure charge, naked woman = art. T’was ever thus, we don’t make the rules.
"Do you wanna see me naked, lover?" she huffs emotively on jarring opener "Aura". No, let's see the meat coat again! #Gaga #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Yeeeeaaaahhhh! Meat! Coat! Meat! Coat! Or was it a meat dress?
(*Googles it*) It was a dress…
Euch. So, how about that music?
"Do you wanna see the girl who lives behind the aura / Behind the curtain / Behind the burka" *Gangnam Style breakdown* …powerful stuff
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
You can just hear one of the producers suggesting the “Gangnam Style” breakdown and Lady Gaga being all like “yeah, that’s totes postmodern”, in such lackadaisically hipsterish fashion as to justify our use of “being all like” and hers off “totes”.
"When you touch me I die just a little inside" posits #LadyGaga on "Venus". Nice 'petit mort' ref. Or she's very frail #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
‘Le petit mort’, you see, is French for ‘orgasm’ and translates literally as ‘little death’. In referencing this, Lady Gaga makes herself look dead clever and edgy in the eyes of 12-year-olds.
"When I lay in bed I touch myself and think of you" on "Sex Dreams" is more direct, canny reimagining of Divinyls classic "I Touch Myself"
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
That’s a great song, the Divinyls one. Can we review that instead? Aw, okay then.
Overall, the first four tracks on #ARTPOP sound like they were recorded by a very cynical human or a very talented chipmunk #ladygaga
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Upon reflection, that’s harsh. There are chipmunkier-sounding singers out there, like Ellie Goulding.
"Jewels N' Drugs" may need its grammar corrected but it features TI & Too $hort so it's…better #ladygaga #obligatoryguestrap
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
At this point, Rocksucker is called – no shit – by Amnesty International regarding a petition signed. Must've known we had the #Gaga LP on.
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
The guy on the other end had such an austere speaking manner that his imagined concern for Rocksucker’s ears and brain really did shine through.
They were probably trying to warn us of the #RKelly guest spot on "Do What U Want". Oh the horror #gethimbackinthecloset #LadyGaga #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
It’s so bad that you’ll have to reassess your parameters and go back through everything you’d previously thought to be bad, working out whether those things now qualify as good. Jedward, good. Animal taking a dump in your shoes, good. Lady Gaga featuring R. Kelly, bad.
"Do what you want with my body" #Gaga implores/offers. We're off to find some industrial strength gaffer tape and a bridge. #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
The industrial strength gaffer tape is of course for binding purposes, but also because everything sounds funnier when you bring industrial strength gaffer tape into the equation.
Disclaimer: we do not actually harbour any intention to throw Lady Gaga off a bridge. Not unless the opportunity was presented to us with the promise of impunity.
The title track is almost, but not quite, as good as The Real McCoy of "Love and Devotion", "Run Away" & "Another Night" fame #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Come to think of it, those are three ace mid-’90s Euro-pop hits right there, so The Real McCoy knock Lady Gaga into a cocked hat.
"You're just a pig inside a human body" accuses #Gaga on "Swine". #LadyGaga of course wears a scarf made of ham. #truestory #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Or something like that, anyway. Bacon flowers in her hair.
Some kinds of 'gurgling synth' sound great. Others, merely #Gaga-esque. Does #Gagaism exist yet? Still not spotted the art yet. ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
The art of deception, perhaps?
Esp. in "I'm a rich bitch, I'm the upper class / I'm gonna smoke Marlboro Lights and drink champagne". "Donatella" best song so far though.
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Woah…it’s SATIRE! We take back everything we said.
Just as we hit post there, an annoying dubstep coda took hold. Still, "Donatella" a solid two-quailer. Back to inanity on "Fashion!" #GAGAGA
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
For all that it distresses, #ARTPOP sounds like the bloody White Album compared to Marina and the Diamonds. #ladygaga
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
Avoid Marina and the Diamonds at all costs.
Finally, caterwauling piano melodrama! Thanks "Dope". Ensuing "Gypsy" unintentionally hilarious, to boot. #ladygaga #ARTPOP
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
“Dope” is painfully bad. Like a Phoebe Buffay B-side.
Album concludes with "applause", in which #ladygaga tells how much she likes it when we scream and cheer for her. Boo to her with knobs on.
— Rocksucker (@rocksucker) November 11, 2013
This was fun. Maybe we’ll review more albums this way. Shame the music had to be such an indictment on the human race/planet Earth, but you can’t win ’em all.
And, in a week that sees the release of ‘greatest hits’ compilations from both Keane and The Killers, Lady Gaga might just pull the wool over everyone’s eyes and be credited with a true artistic statement.
Overall, ARTPOP is the perfect Christmas present for someone you hate.
ARTPOP is out now on Interscope Records.
BUY: ARTPOP on iTunes or on Amazon.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
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