Cyrus… Virus

The worst of this week’s singles: Miley Cyrus, Times Red, Tinie Tempah and more!

Published on August 8th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

This week’s singles included some absolute gems. The ones by Miley Cyrus, Times Red, Tinie Tempah, Lissie, Imagine Dragon, Baby Blue, Arcane Roots, Chlöe Howl and Charlene Soraia, however, are varying degrees of ghastly.

Here then, in ascending order of horror, are the worst of this week’s singles. Enjoy/run!

Arcane Roots – “Belief”

Hey, you!

Yes, you! Do you like dreary, featureless emo set to a video in which three sincere-looking chaps walk through a desert in slow motion?

Then you’ll love Arcane Roots! They’re every bit as pointless as you could possibly hope for!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Charlene Soraia – “Broken”

Love the line “Broken English, broken nose”.

Hate most everything else about it.

Does that qualify as a ‘measured’ review?

Hollyoaks syncing opportunities beckon. And, in the end, isn’t that really the point?

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Baby Blue – “Bump”

“My heart cries / It goes bump bump bump bump”.

Might want to get that checked out, luv.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

Chlöe Howl – “No Strings”

She looks like a cross between Sinéad O’Connor and Grimes. Musically, she is inferior to both. Perhaps drastically.

The accent she sings in sounds hilariously forced. Wonder if this was at her own behest or that of some “clued-up” record exec. Maybe slurring faux-chavvishly like a pilled-up princess at her third drum ‘n’ bass rave unlocks some key demographics, we dunno.

“It’s awrigh’ babes, jus’ drink enough wa’er, innit. But not too much, yeah? I’ll tawk you fru it, I’ve been to like two of these before, babes. You’re gunna be proper lovin’ it soon, you get me?”

Yet another disposable pop song gets ideas above its station and sees fit to shoehorn the word ‘fuck’ into its tedious self. For shame.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

Lissie – “Further Away (Romance Police)”

Wuh oh! Lissie was not best pleased with our admittedly unkind review of her last single, telling us on Twitter to see her play live before telling her to “sink quietly without trace”.

We stopped just short of asking her for a free ‘plus one’, but if she gets in touch with an offer we’ll gladly take her up on it.

Clearly, she somehow manages to make deathly dull, identikit claptrap like this sound like Pet Sounds meets Dark Side of the Moon in a live setting. We’re most intrigued to see how she pulls this off.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

Tinie Tempah feat. 2 Chainz – “Trampoline”

“Sharing clothes, that’s trampy / Splitting bills, that’s trampy / All this hanky panky, now her hand prints on my Banksy / I’m just strictly speaking, Anne Frankly / All my girls is fancy”

Footballers might like it. Except for the ones who actually know who Anne Frank was.

Tinie Tempah needs to be trout-slapped off a pier into a speedboat full of rat traps.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

Imagine Dragons – “It’s Time”

Oh, you know: Fun., Bastille, Hurts…that sort of thing.

Sad face.

“I don’t ever wanna let you down / I don’t ever wanna leave this town” – mixed messages, here. Were they to remain in situ, Rocksucker would be desperately disappointed.

However, given the chance to strap Imagine Dragons to the back of some donkeys, blindfold them, spit on their faces, give the donkeys’ rumps a slap apiece and send them riding off into the sunset…well, that would make us really happy.

Can you tell we don’t like this?

“Don’t you understand? / I’m never changing who I am” – more’s the pity.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

Times Red – “Not Listening”

Makes McFly sound like Black Sabbath, etc.

Seriously though, this is so depressing that it’s like one of those old platform games, say Mario Bros 2, where you go as far to one side as you can and wind up coming out the other. That is to say, you might watch this video and actually come out the other side happy.

Happy to have played no part in this Orwellian nightmare. Happy to retain just enough power and control over your own existence so as to be able to click out of this and go do something else.

Happy to hear someone singing “Pasta with pesto / Ate it al fresco” while appearing naked with a hat covering his todger, and know that, no matter how much your confidence and sense of self-worth may desert you at times, you will never be this wally.

Unless of course you are this wally. *Waves hello* Hope you like the review, wally!

Times Red, you suck oh so very badly. Quail-murderingly badly, in fact.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Miley Cyrus – “We Can’t Stop”

Take all the worst features of every song you’ve ever hated and bunch them together into Satan’s own pitta pocket…and this is what you get.

But hey, make a video where you’re dancing around in your underwear and score a big, fat hit.

Isn’t pop music ace? I mean really, really ace?

From The Beatles to this in fifty years. Blimey. Give it another fifty years and a pop song will constitute some Cowell-like mogul coming round to your house and personally slapping you in the face.

No music, just the slap; 99p for a single or £7.99 for twelve plus a couple of half-hearted bonus slaps.

Another fifty years after that and pop music will actually be a feared commodity, like anthrax. In that respect, “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus is as future-minded as pop music gets.

This can only end in one thing.

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week’s singles!

Artists: 2 chainz, arcane roots, baby blue, charlene soraia, chloe howl, imagine dragons, lissie, miley cyrus, times red, tinie tempah

About the Author

Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.