Jahmene Douglas… First name like a chav asking for affirmation

The worst of this week’s singles: Jahmene Douglas, Professor Green, Scouting For Girls and more!

Published on July 24th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

Get that comedy oversized washing peg clamped down on your hooter! This week’s singles contain some right smelly ‘uns, and some downright fetid ‘uns.

Here they are in ascending order of horror…

Nina Nesbitt – “Way in the World”

“…today takes everything you got…taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot…wouldn’t you like to get away…sometimes you’ve got to go WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME!…AND THEY’RE ALWAYS…”

Oh, sorry. Wrong song. The Nina Nesbitt one’s really boring, though.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes: “…GLAD YOU CAME!”

Remember the one where they invented that wild game hunt to fool Frasier? Heh heh heh. Classic.

Oh Cliff, you turn up in every Pixar movie.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Guru Josh – “Ray of Sunshine”

“Inside of me, my heart’s exploding”: we should be so lucky.

Okay, that’s excessively harsh. Or is it? It depends how inclined you are to wish for someone’s demise on account of them offending your musical sensibilities, in this case by caterwauling over ‘Essential Mix’ fodder like a newly inducted eunuch trying to dance away the pain of castration.

At Rocksucker, we just about fall short of such barbaric instincts. We will however glare sullenly and administer a below-average quail rating. Take that, Josh!

EDIT: It appears the video has been taken down due to a copyright claim from “Paul Dudley Walden a.k.a. Guru Josh”. Shame, that.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

One Direction – “Best Song Ever”

Hand on heart, lads, it’s probably not even in the top ninety squillion.

At least there’s a modicum of fun about it to counter the identikit dreadfulness. By which we mean that the best bits are the ‘comedy’ asides where they yelp various noises.

So, a One Direction song not entirely devoid of redeeming features. Who’d-a thunkit? Alas, it still makes us want to burn things.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

Hurts – “Somebody to Die For”

If ever a band’s name should end with “…doesn’t it?”.

Hurts might not be the wimpiest musical wimps that ever wimped – that honour falls to Maroon 5 – but they’re bloody close.

If somebody has to die for this song, then it should be…sorry, we’re doing it again.

We’re really not bad guys, you know. Unlike these wimps.

Apologies to any actual wimps out there who might be offended by the insinuation that they are somehow predisposed to creating music that makes Ronan Keating sound like Marilyn Manson.

Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!

Professor Green feat. Miles Kane – “Are You Getting Enough?”

My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!

Roll Deep feat. Camille – “All or Nothing”

Nothing, please.

Rocksucker says: Nothing Quails out of Five!

Lauren Aquiliana – “Sinner”

One of those songs that thinks it’s being ever so wise by doling out life instructions in its lyrics but ruins it all by being completely rubbish.

It’s all well and good us saying that, but how do you quantify rubbish? Well, now you can with our handy three-step guide:

1) Screw your eyes shut

2) Sing the song as ’emotively’ as you can

3) Clench your fists, hold them up to your chest – knuckles outwards, palms towards you – and slowly lower them down your body while you sing

If you find this hysterically funny, then it’s rubbish. And no, this doesn’t work for every song.

Seriously, try it with “Good Vibrations” or “Bohemian Rhapsody”: it’s not funny, it just feels wrong.

“Sinner” by Lauren Aquiliana, though? It’s funny. It’s really, really funny.

This is wetter than an otter’s pocket sewn onto a drowned quail. Poor blighter.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Scouting For Girls – “Millionaire”

If McFly were fronted by the biggest douche in the universe: voila.

Seriously, what the hell kind of accent is that?

That “you make me feel like a millionaire” schtick holds no sway when a) he’s probably already loaded thanks to vomitous guff like this, and b) this is so cynically targeted at twee mobile phone adverts, Hollyoaks syncing opportunities and whichever radio stations play interminably in taxis across the universe.

The alternative – that Scouting For Girls believe this to be what good music sounds like, and what the world needs more of – is arguably even more terrifying.

You know who really suffer in all of this? The quails.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Jahmene Douglas – “Titanium”

Introductory piano chords come in: you’ll wince.

Wimpy guy starts singing: you’ll burst out laughing.

Wimpy guy makes super-earnest facial expressions and points at the screen: you’ll freeze in horror, then start laughing again.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones”; very instructive, thank you, Jahmene. “You shoot me down but I won’t fall”; well, if we could break your bones with a stick, we beg to differ.

We can’t help but feel that some kind of new low has been reached with this. Not just for music but for planet Earth as a whole, and indeed any alien races that might be observing us.

Hi, aliens! *Waves* We’re not all like this, promise. Just lazer gun this wally into oblivion and help yourself to all the natural resources you need.

All together, now: OH THE QUAILMANITY!!!

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

Artists: camille, guru josh, hurts, jahmene douglas, lauren aquiliana, miles kane, nina nesbitt, one direction, professor green, roll deep, scouting for girls

About the Author

Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.