Itch… Scratch that (Image: ItchVEVO / YouTube)
The worst of this week’s singles: Itch, Mark Morrison, Stooshe and more!
Published on July 31st, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
Like we said yesterday, this week’s singles threw up some bloody lovely ones and some bloody horrible ones. Here, in ascending order of bloody horrible, are the bloody horrible ones…
Eliza Doolittle – “Big When I Was Little”
What it might have been: a heartbreaking tale of being forced into growing up too quickly.
What it is: a transparent attempt at shoehorning oneself into a niche that’s clearly been discussed at executive level
“We’ve done the research, you know. Fed our findings into a computer. It transpires, Eliza, that 65% Lily Allen + 30% Gwen Stefani + 5% M.I.A. will score you a great big fat hit.”
“Is there a chance the computer could be wrong?”
“None whatsoever. See: 800,000 YouTube hits already.”
“That thing’s incredible. I’ll be sure to write more mind-numbing lyrics about Super Nintendos and Smirnoff Ices.”
“We’ve got you covered, Eliza.”
Cracking trumpet line, mind. And the melody’s got some nice twists and turns, to be fair. But “Big when I was little, just like Malcolm in the Middle” – well, good grief.
And “Like Nirvana and Lauryn Hill, they was big when I was little” – super double deluxe good grief, and not just for the slack grammar.
And yes, we reserve the right to begin sentences with a preposition.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Don Diablo feat. Alex Clare & Kelis – “Give It All”
Starts badly, picks up a little with the sultry verse, promptly plunges into the abyss with a right old rotten apple of a ‘chart dubstep’ chorus.
Which one of them is it that tries to sing like a classic soul crooner? Whoever it is, he’s cruising for a damn good shoeing.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Stooshe – “My Man Music”
Sounds like a gaggle of chavvy chipmunks trying to do a soundtrack for Rastamouse: The Movie.
Rocksucker says: One out of Five!
Johnny Hates Jazz – “Man With No Name”
Review #1: Rocksucker hates this.
Review #2: “Tune With No Charm”.
Review #3: Sounds like Lightning Seeds with all the good bits, every last one of ’em, sucked out of it through its stupid backside.
Review #4: Next!
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Kids in Glass Houses – “Drive”
…you to drink?
…you up the wall?
…you round the bend?
This is a dead cert for Sky Sports’ live football coverage. That’s very far from being a compliment when you consider how long the likes of Ronan Keating reigned supreme in that particular arena.
A more instructive summation might be “Scouting For Girls + Two Door Cinema Club”. Mm hmmm.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Mark Morrison – “I Am What I Am”
Return of the Mack? It is!
Amused recollections of the afore-referenced smash hit conceal a not inconsiderable dark side, a cursory glance through which casts this song’s title and lyrical content in a decidedly tasteless light.
It might have gotten away with it had the song itself not been so listless.
Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!
iTCH – “Best Shot”
The former King Blues front man had to put up with a fair few ‘selling out’ accusations as his erstwhile band got bigger and gradually more ‘accessible’.
He’ll have to put up with many more if “Best Shot” is indicative of where he intends to go now. The early insertion of “I’m Rick James, bitch!” doesn’t bode well, and it rides an ugly electro backing track into the kind of chorus you can imagine Professor Green bleating out into everyone’s lives.
Awful, just awful. And in so many ways. Poor quail.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
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