Do not adjust your sets… (Image: BritneySpearsVEVO/YouTube)
The worst of this week’s singles: Britney, Selena Gomez, Avicii and more!
Published on July 17th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
This week’s singles have some right horrors in their midst, including arguably Britney Spears’s lowest ebb yet: a song for the new Smurfs film – and a video featuring her own children – in which she sings the following:
You know can nobody get down like us
We don’t stop ’till we get enough
C’mon, turn it up ’till the speakers pop
Break it down, show me what you’ve gotOoh my my baby don’t be shy
I see that spark flashing in your eye
My heart beats fast ’cause I want it all
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la
We’ll, er, build ‘up’ to that by laying these out in ascending order of horrendousness…
Avicii – “Wake Me Up”
“Wake me up when it’s all over”; indeed.
Sounds like Mumford & Sons trying to do a novelty cover of “Cotton Eye Joe” and draining it of all its fun.
Eighteen million YouTube views! Gotta laugh.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Breach – “Jack”
Beamed in from another dimension where Disclosure are hipster douchebags who call themselves Breach.
“Jack”? Shit.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Jamie Cullum – “Edge of Something”
Not our seats, that’s for damn sure.
Look, if you can’t be bothered to note the title of the song then don’t come crying to us when you don’t get the punchline.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
A*M*E – “Heartless”
Wonderfully apt title, and one that got us wondering which other words with the suffix ‘-less’ might equally apply:
Soulless? Charmless? Talentless? Frankly, ‘less’ would suffice as a one-word review insomuch as it’s the exact opposite of what you’d generally shout to encourage an encore.
Gotta love the line “You’ve got my heart running faster than Usain, boy”, though, conjuring as it does an image of A*M*E’s heart leaping out of her chest and running the 100m in nine seconds flat.
That, undoubtedly, would be worth a quail or two on its own.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Havana feat. Tyga – “Just Like Magic”
Two artists at the very bottom of their respective games, here.
Sorry, ‘artists’ should have been in inverted commas.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Selena Gomez – “Come & Get It”
How much was spent on that video? And how unapologetically rubbish is the song?
No way the quail’s surviving this one. It’s just so many kinds of bad all at once, not least Ms Gomez’s unconvincing attempts at ‘seductive’ facial expressions.
Yep, just as we thought…
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Poor blighter.
Britney Spears – “Oh La La”
Britney…her children…suggestive lyrics…Smurfs??
What the hell is going on? Did no one think this through at all?
“Baby One More Time” now feels like so long ago that Britney could almost be considered a contemporary of The Smurfs. The original Smurfs, that is, not these ‘attitudinal’ CGI imposters.
Go on, watch the video and see for yourself just how much is wrong with the world.
Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!
OH, THE QUAILMANITY!
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week’s singles!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
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