Avril Lavigne… “**** you, mother****ers!”
The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Avril Lavigne, Belinda Carlisle, Fenech-Soler and more!
Published on July 2nd, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
Here are this week’s most downright rotten singles – including a bad swear from Avril Lavigne and a decidedly untriumphant comeback from Belinda Carlisle – in ascending order of rottenness…
Belinda Carlisle – “Sun”
She’s BACK! And this time…
zzzzzzzz
zzzzz
mmph
*drools*
mm…whuh?
Oh goodness, the song. Erm…well, we could see how it might sound ‘edgy’ to her, but it comes across to us a bit like Mel C teaming up with DJ Sash.
Sound like your kind of thing? Seek immediate help. Still, at least there’s a semblance of an acceptable tune to it, making it the most polished turd on this page.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Fenech-Soler – “Magnetic”
Rocksucker must be magnetic too, because we feel jolly well repelled by this one.
Arf! Science humour!
Seriously, this is dreary stuff from a group that has seemingly had credibility bestowed upon them by people impressed by anyone who can so much as switch on a synth these days.
Another ‘fit for purpose’ round of pounding rhythms, great washing rave synths, earnestly keening male vocal and melodic progressions so predictably tonal that you just want to scream into a pillow.
There is no point to Fenech-Soler, there we said it.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
John Newman – “Love Me Again”
We never loved you in the first place, Newman, and we certainly don’t now we’ve heard your hilarious hipster squawk of a voice, which we imagine to be described in your press release as “authentically soulful” or some such.
Nice strings: sample? Frankly, though, it’s a forgettable song pushed into the realms of the objectionable by one of the most affected, insincere voices you’ll hear all year.
Out there, some record execs or other are bloody proud for turning in such a slick product. Just stop a moment to think about that.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Lewis Watson – “Calling”
If Rebecca Black was an 18-year-old boy whose favourite song was “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls and only ambition to get a song onto an episode of Scrubs.
“You know I am call-eeee-ng!”: this is not what young people should be doing.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Lucy Spraggan – “Lighthouse”
Good news, everyone: Mumford and Sons is now a girl!
Is that enough for a review? There’s not a whole lot to say, really, except that it’s got exactly the right kind of good-natured bounce that youth-orientated mobile phone adverts can’t seem to get enough of.
So, in that respect at least, it’s kind of clever. Still, you know, euch.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Roll Deep feat. Camille – “All or Nothin”
Footballer music par excellence.
That’s not a compliment.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
The Saturdays – “Gentleman”
Do they always rap?
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran – “Everything Has Changed”
What a good idea it was to bring together two ‘artists’ who permanently sound as if their mums are watching them.
One day, Mrs Swift and Mrs Sheeran will leave the room and they’ll explode into an intergalactic rock opera the likes of which we’ve never seen.
Until then, insipid drivel like this. It would almost be comforting if it weren’t so mind-numbing.
Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!
Avril Lavigne – “Here’s to Never Growing Old”
Sounds like a Rebecca Black B-side, if you can conceive of such a thing.
Any pretentions of being a bit of a rocker have been well and truly consigned to the past with this atroc…oh, wait!
WAIT!
She says ‘fuck’ in it!
Credible artistic expression it is, then.
“We live like rock stars / Dance on every bar / This is who we are”: shine on, you crazy revolutionary rock chick musical genius voice of a generation, you.
Thinking on, this is so bad that we feel we’re owed an apology. Will one be forthcoming, though? Will it f…
…ooh, hang on; better leave the bad swears for the true artists. Like, er, Avril Lavigne.
Stop the press: just before posting this, we discovered that Lavigne is to marry the singer of Nickelback. For crying out loud, don’t let them breed.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
