You may never encounter a more punchable face than that which fronts Don Broco

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Don Broco, The Wanted, Biffy Clyro and more!

Published on June 26th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

Some of this week’s singles are so bad that if you listen to any of them more than once then the singer of Don Broco will haunt your dreams with Vic Reeves-style thigh-rubbing.

That’s really bad.

Biffy Clyro – “Opposite”

When did Biffy Clyro turn into Snow Patrol? And why did Biffy Clyro turn into Snow Patrol?

Thinking on, where did Biffy Clyro turn into Snow Patrol? Wheresoever it was, you’d best steer clear of there.

This Bermuda Triangle of AOR balladry may even require military intervention. If Biffy Clyro would kindly retrace their steps for us, we could live without the fear of spontaneous James-Blunt-becoming.

In short: euch.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Bo Bruce – “Dark & Stormy”

Yelping weepy ready made for Hollyoaks-syncing, makes Taylor Swift sound like Siouxsie and the Banshees.

This is the musical equivalent of one of those ultra-soggy cartoon nose-blows that either makes a snotty water balloon out of the handkerchief or leaves a big hole through the middle of it.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

Don Broco – “Hold On”

A lot of truly ghastly music can be traced back to Sony these days. Take this douche, swaying around in the video trying to do a baritone croon and shoving the lyrical likes of “you’re making love with me, now” into all of our lives like a cat dragging some mauled carcass or other into the kitchen, leaving a trail of entrails and faeces as it goes.

That, folks, is how horrible Don Broco are. Unless you value your music in terms of how much you want to slap the singer, avoid this at all costs.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Ed Drewett – “Undefeated”

A world where Ed Drewett is in any way, shape or form a respected songwriter is a world that absolute cannot complain when some advanced alien race or other comes along to zap it into oblivion.

If Ed Drewett’s music was a pizza, it would be a really rubbish pizza.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

Kelly Clarkson – “People Like Us”

Some decent production touches to this one, not nearly enough though to disguise what a frightfully identikit dry heave of Euro-pop nothingness it is.

Let’s put this in terms that Kelly herself can understand: Oh woah oh oh woah oh, oh woah oh oh woah oh. Oh woah oh oh woah.

Woah oh.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quail out of Five!

a quail half a quail

Icona Pop feat. Charli XCX – “I Love It”

I hate it.

Okay, that may seem a little too ‘convenient’ a summation, but we assure you that we really do hate it, and we’re not just pretending to hate it so we could do that ‘joke’. Come on, this is one ugly tune.

Apparently it’s on an advert. Figures.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quail half a quail

The Wanted – “Walks Like Rihanna”

At least they’ve got a good handle of their target audience. Cynical targeting aside, it’s an absolute non-entity of a song too.

Except for the unexpected snatch of a capella at 2.33, which made Rocksucker laugh out loud. Fair dos if they were playing for laughs with that, but we somewhat doubt it.

Honestly, it’s hilarious. It’s got the same kind of self-announcing comic impact to it as “TIMM-EH!”, so perhaps it could be this year’s “Glastonbury shout”.

Anyway, check out Cosmo Jarvis’s incalculably superior Rihanna-based single:

Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!

will.i.am and Leah McFall – “Bang Bang”

It’s so tempting to request that the titular bangs be aimed squarely in the direction of the thoroughly evil will.i.am, but we’re not about to advocate gun crime, not even at the expense of this devout enemy of Holy Mother Music.

How much money have the BBC spent on The Voice? Frankly, there should be Brazil-style protests over that, but listen to the idiots cheer.

This isn’t going to end well…

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

See? See what happens, will.i.am? See what happens when you expose innocent quails to the vacuum of talent you so indiscriminately wield?

Tune in tomorrow for The Rest of This Week’s Singles!

Artists: biffy clyro, bo bruce, charli xcx, don broco, ed drewett, icona pop, kelly clarkson, leah mcfall, the wanted, will.i.am

About the Author

Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.