Pitbull… The douchiest douche in all of douchedom
The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Pitbull, Ronan Keating, Bo Bruce and more!
Published on May 2nd, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
You love The Worst of This Week’s Singles, don’t you? Way more than The Best of This Week’s Singles, or even The Rest of This Week’s Singles. What’s wrong with you? Are you a sadomasochist?
Just take these and do whatever you will with them…
Bo Bruce – “Save Me”
Who? 318,000 YouTube hits?? Must’ve sprung up overnight.
Bo Bruce is so bland that she could turn a vindaloo into a korma just by looking at it.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Emilia Mitiku – “You’re Breaking My Heart”
Remember that song from a few years back that went “I’m a big, big girl in a big, big world”? Well, this is her!
This must have been a nightmare to edit; Mitiku sounds like someone who just decided to become a singer despite not really being able to. Her vibrato threatens to flail out of control at every turn, there’s a sharp intake of breath before each line and, at least here, she opts for the squealing, keening pitch of an overemoting infant.
Throw in the smoothest of sickly smooth sax solos and lines like “You’re breaking my heart now, baby / Baby, baby”, and the result is something so awful that it’s actually quite compelling.
“You’re Breaking My Heart” is a refreshing type of bad insomuch as it doesn’t feel handjobbed into existence by remorseless executive types: it’s just bad, really bad, and almost conceivably proud of it. You go, girl!
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Jay Leighton – “Wish I Was Springsteen”
Keep wishing.
This makes Snow Patrol sound like Slipknot.
Rocksucker says: Not a Solitary Quail out of Five!
Kirsty Bertarelli and Ronan Keating – “Send Out A Message (To The World)”
Imagine if Band Aid had been organised by the two most creatively bankrupt people in the world, and that all the other celebrities they managed to rope in slunk quietly out the studio out of embarrassment at how much the aforementioned talent vacuums were playing up to the cameras.
We’d love to know what those session musicians were *really* thinking. Freeze frame caption contest, anyone?
“It’s called a guitar. G-U-I-T-A-R: guitar.”
“See, look what it does. Oooohhh, real sounds!”
“BAY-BEH! BAY-BEH! BAY-BEH! BAY-BEH! BAY-BEH! UH-UH-UH-OOOOOHHH! WOOOOOAAAHHH!”
“Why do we do it, Dave?”
These are merely suggested captions. Why don’t you play along at home?
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera – “Feel This Moment”
…and feel it you will, like a turbo charged enema during a rotten hangover on the morning of the apocalypse.
Arguably two of the most abonimable pop stars ever to have existed, in tandem. Won’t someone think of the quails?
Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!
Tunde Baiyewu – “Diamond In A Rock”
We didn’t recognise the name but it took us all of half a second to recognise that voice, a quick google search confirming the identity of the 1990s coffee table titans it fronted.
Can you guess who it is? We’ll give you a clue: you might say that Tunde has been ‘lifted’ back out of obscurity.
Suffice it to say, it’s frightfully dull…yet somehow reassuringly so. Good old Tunde.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Thea Gilmore – “Love Came Looking for Me”
“Love Came Looking For Me”? It probably wanted its money back.
Arf!
We only included this so we could use that line. There’s pretty much nothing else to say about this glossy snoozefest, except that it’s one of those songs that contains a mysteriously ace middle eight section, hinting at the contribution of another person who should probably have been asked to write the whole thing.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Tune in tomorrow for The Rest of This Week’s Singles!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
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