Olly Murs: Really ought to shut up and go away (Image: Sony Music)
The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Olly Murs, Azealia Banks, The Mend and more!
Published on March 27th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
Rocksucker handpicks the worst of this week’s singles and reviews them right there on the spot. This week’s best singles have been filed separately.
Read on for the mediocre, the bad and the downright ghastly, folks!
Azealia Banks – “Yung Rapunxel”
It’s an all-too-familiar tale: girl releases a refreshingly barmy single or two. Girl buys into own hype. Girl gets in fight with Ian Brown. Girl releases nonsensical barrage of jarring electronics holding up her own unfathomable lunatic ranting. Just what is the point of this?
At least it’s still barmy. We’ll give it that.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Cascada – “Glorious”
This is the German entry for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, and as you might reasonably expect it is sodding horrendous. Cascada’s constant half-smile is the sole maintainer of interest levels, inferring as it does the possibility that this is all a joke and at any moment she’ll be knocked over by a football to the head while some crazy Italian guy runs around yelling about betting…but alas we didn’t make it all the way to the end to be able to tell you.
Frankly, if Eurovision isn’t hosted by Terry Wogan anymore then the last vestiges of worth have already fled it. This abhorrently brainless guff is all you need to know about it now.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Charlie Brown – “On My Way”
WHY WHY WHY desecrate the memory of a beloved cartoon character by allowing this laughably limp wally to operate under his name? ‘Inspirational’ lyrics, autotune, warbling, faux-rapping: “On My Way” goes out of its way to include every objectionable trait of every objectionable song going, and if there’s any justice left in this world then this dullard’s ‘music’ career will crash and burn.
It won’t, of course: for starters, footballers will love it. Again, that’s all you need to know.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
CHVRCHES – “Recover”
This sounds like The bloody Velvet Underground and Nico in the wake of Cascada and Charlie Brown, but its barrage of high-pitched noises – though granted a ride on an agreeably loping groove – ultimately proves jarring. That one of CHVRCHES was a live member of The Twilight Sad is almost too bizarre to contemplate.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Deacon Blue – “Turn”
Who, precisely, was clamouring for the return of Deacon Blue? Hadn’t they found any other new music? Or did it have to be Deacon Blue? This is sweetly pleasant enough in a Travis/Del Amitri kind of way, but if this gets anywhere then it’ll likely have more to do with the cutesy video than the song itself.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Jack Savoretti – “Not Worthy”
Bob Dylan for Jake Bugg fans. Artifice prevails – nice minor chord change at the end of the chorus, though.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Lewis Watson – “Into the Wild”
Washy, earnest, singer-songwriter-dom from Oxford, this 20-year-old built his own fan base and headlined BBC Introducing’s something or other yadda yadda yadda.
Good grief – this is actually what people want to listen to, isn’t it? At least he plays an instrument and doesn’t warble.
Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!
Miss Kittin – “Bassline”
Oh look, someone else has realised that, if you staple a sultry female vocal to a fairly run-of-the-mill electro track, then people will for some reason listen in their droves. Especially if you put some kind of weird effect on her voice, as in the second verse here.
This is less a single, more a seminar on how to bluff your way to a lengthy album review on Pitchfork that exists as an excuse for the author to namecheck a load of superior artists. It’s far from being the worst thing we’ve heard this week, but it’s just so gosh darn…pointless.
Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!
Olly Murs – “Army of Two”
The best only good thing about this smug weaponry is imagining that the multiple Ollies in the video are your targets in a shoot-’em-up. If that game hasn’t been made yet, “Army of Two” makes for compelling reason to get cracking.
Suggested title: Douche Hunt.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
The Mend – “Where Were You”
*Throws up all over the floor*
Everyone involved in the making of this atrocity, no matter how tenuously, should be melted down for idiot glue, to be sold at all the very best idiot stationers in idiotsville.
This song and video are two of the worst things to ever happen to mankind, and indeed quailkind. Avoid at all costs.
Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!
Don’t forget to check out this week’s best singles!
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About the Author
Jonny Abrams Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.
