It may appear that the sun shines out of his arse, but that's actually some kind of death ray (Image: YouTube / BastilleVEVO)
Ten Worst Songs of 2013 – 8. “Laura Palmer” by Bastille
Published on December 2nd, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
Let’s continue our countdown of the ten worst songs of 2013 with “Laura Palmer” by Bastille, one of those horrible Imagine Dragons/The 1975/Fun./Hurts/30 Seconds to Mars emo/synthpop things that make life so unbearable.
The problem with these kinds of bands is that they have all the imagination and emotional depth of the average episode of Hollyoaks, no more bands than they are contractual obligations with pretty/acceptable faces. Bastille, not least on “Laura Palmer”, are a compelling case in point.
What accent is this guy singing in? Mumfordese? No one sings like that and actually means it, although in terms of affectation it’s a poor second to other-Bastille-song-we-know “Things We Lost in the Fire”, or – if you happen to be the singer of Bastille – “Things We Lawst in the Fye-Yuh”.
That one had a nice-ish pizzicato string thing going on in it though, making it marginally less offensive than “Laura Palmer”. “Can you feel it?” we are asked. “Yes,” we reply, “like a seafood enema…shells, claws and all.”
At around 1.40, the music and video unexpectedly cut out to show ‘camcorder’ footage of a dog: this is by some distance the best part of “Laura Palmer”, and quite conceivably of Bastille’s entire output.
We’d investigate further, we would, but then we’d be like one of those lab rats that fails to learn its lesson from all the electricity bolting through it.
Bastille are a bit like Fun. without the, would you believe it, fun. As condemnations go, that’s a doozy.
“If you had your gun, would you shoot it at the sky?” sings the dipstick whose name we shan’t even do him the courtesy of googling. In response to this latest inquisition, we say: guess again, punk.