30 Seconds to Mars

30 Seconds to Mars... Great time, considering their starting place is the seventh circle of Hell

The worst of this week’s singles: Thirty Seconds to Mars, Biffy Clyro, Lethal Bizzle and more!

Published on September 11th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

The worst of this week’s singles are crowned by perhaps the most compelling evidence yet that Thirty Seconds to Mars could yet end up breaking music.

Good going, Jared Leto. Douche.

2 Chainz feat. Pharrell – “Feds Watching”

As a world still leg-humps the afterglow of “Get Lucky”, anything suffixed by “featuring Pharrell Williams” is practically demanding extra scrutiny.

Alas, it’s hard to apply much in the way of scrutiny to lines like “You a bitch, you a ho, that’s just my philosophy” and the immediately ensuing “I been known to kick it like the captain of the soccer team”.

Even the video is like some kid’s wet dream about being Biggie, with all of the glamour and none of the talent.

It’s basically a masturbatory aid rendered useless by 2 Chainz’s presence. Correction: it’s basically a masturbatory aid for 2 Chainz, starring himself.

Another triumph for planet Earth and the music-buying public it so habitually fists.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quailhalf a quail

Biffy Clyro – “Victory Over the Sun”

Everyone in the video looks so glum.

You know why? Because they’re listening to Biffy Clyro, the band that volunteered to fuse math-rock with emo to see how bad things could possibly get.

Bang up work, chaps!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quailhalf a quail

Bashy feat. Jareth – “These Are the Songs”

Who featuring what?

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Mikill Pane – “Summer in the City”

Is this a joke?

No, really…is this a joke?

Song and video, it’s like a rap version of David Brent’s “Equality Street”, compounded by the fact that it appears to have well and truly missed the Indian summer it would appear to have been aiming for.

For that reason alone, we’re almost glad to see it raining outside as we write this.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

911 – “2 Hearts 1 Love”

Own up, whose idea was this?

Honestly, as if the new Backstreet Boys video wasn’t embarrassing enough, look at the parade of comedy hand gestures on show here.

Be dreadful the 911 way! Singing the word ‘circle’? Why, simply twirl your finger around in a circle to show that you know what one is.

Singing the word ‘one’? Why, simply hold one finger aloft to show that you can, you know, count to one and that.

911 were always laughably unnecessary…now they’ve taken it to a whole new level. Fair’s fair, they raised their game.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Alex Gaudino feat. Nicole Scherzinger – “Missing You”

Just plain “Missing” would do nicely, thanks.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Example – “All the Wrong Places”

All the wrong places? Like in our ears, arf!

Horrible gurgling identikit rave synth drivel, nonsense autopilot lyrics (“Like a rabbit in the headlights / Get your head right”)…euch.

This man is an eminent music personality in this country. Just stop to consider that for a moment.

Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!

Lethal Bizzle feat. Ruby Goes – “Party Right”

Makes Wiley sound like Tupac.

Vacuous twonk.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Thirty Seconds to Mars – “Do or Die”

Jared Leto is Satan, and we claim our ten pounds. Come on, the cat’s out of the bag now, isn’t it?

Watch this video, listen to the song and write your own review. We’re too gobsmacked by the sheer front of it to do its awfulness any justice in the written word.

That this faux-inspirational douche juice even exists makes Rocksucker want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

We implore you, fellow Earthlings, to give Jared Leto a wide berth in anything he ever does for the rest of his wretched life.

The emotionally exploitative, artistically obsolete, megalomaniacal super douche.

There can only be one outcome.

Rocksucker says: QUAIL MASSACRE!

a quail massacre

Those were the worst of this week’s singles. Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week’s singles!

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.