BBC Live Lounge We’re all doomed

NEWS: BBC brings about destruction of planet during mid-morning show

Published on September 19th, 2013 | Lucas Sinclair

The end is nigh. Go home to your loved ones. Find someone special to you. Grab a stranger and hold them. There is no stopping it now. Accept your fate and cherish these last precious moments.

The BBC, in its relentless efforts to destroy humanity, has managed to find the ultimate combination of human-shaped worthless sacks of water to bring about the apocalypse.

First, they got Fearne “couldn’t present her way out of a paper bag” Cotton to host and ruin Live 8, thus Keeping Poverty Present rather than making it history.

Now, in a move that brings about only incredulity in sane mortals, she has a radio show. And yesterday morning, this show started the countdown to doomsday.

Clicking on iPlayer Radio late on Tuesday night revealed this sentence: “Fearne Cotton – 30 Seconds to Mars take on Rihanna as their Live Lounge cover – it’s epic!”

Translation: Satan incarnate Jared Leto makes mediocre pop even worse in order to manipulate and exploit the half of the teen market that he’s not yet sunk his fangs into while Cotton sits in the corner massaging his veiny, throbbing, engorged…ego.

Most of the office panicked and flung themselves out of the window, but Rocksucker’s fearless science team took a breath and starting testing.

Their results are in and it saddens Rocksucker to announce to the world that this is officially the worst combination of words and animated objects ever in one sentence and room. Well done BBC, you win a cookie. An epic cookie. Laced with poison.

Can humanity rebuild from this and start again? Have your say in the comments section below!

Artists: ,

About the Author

We are unable to publish details on the author, Lucas Sinclair, as he is currently waiting out the apocalypse in a cave in silent contemplation and is unavailable for comment.


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  • Will F

    I clicked on the link to this article hoping that some erudite writer
    had transposed my impotent rage on such subjects into intelligent words.
    Instead I find this flaccid piece that could barley be called an
    “article”, clocking in at a whopping 254 words; not one of which
    illuminates or explores the reasoning of WHY 30 Seconds To Mars covering
    Rihanna is detrimental to our cultural sensibilities. Mr Sinclair, your
    output is lazy, overly-simplistic and needlessly hyperbolic. I would be
    willing to retract my catty criticisms should you re-write the article
    (or indeed, finish writing it).

  • Will F

    I clicked on the link to this article hoping that some erudite writer
    had transposed my impotent rage on such subjects into intelligent words.
    Instead I find this flaccid piece that could barley be called an
    “article”, clocking in at a whopping 254 words; not one of which
    illuminates or explores the reasoning of WHY 30 Seconds To Mars covering
    Rihanna is detrimental to our cultural sensibilities. Mr Sinclair, your
    output is lazy, overly-simplistic and needlessly hyperbolic. I would be
    willing to retract my catty criticisms should you re-write the article
    (or indeed, finish writing it).

    • Rob Abrams

      Dear Will F,

      I often find myself on the verge of replying to comments such as yours with the intention of stoking the flames of such misplaced aggravation for my personal amusement. Usually, I will be hindered in my endeavors by my own self-conscience; “What if I were in their shoes”, “Who am I to judge?”, “Maybe they’re right?”

      So, in typical fashion, my bleeding heart and I express sympathy with you and your fetish for impotent rage-knowledge. Indeed, when one stumbles through the online world of Reddit and midget porn (or whatever else you may be happening to view at 12 noon on a Thursday, because lets face it, such fantasies do indeed grip the youthful mind when the bothersome adults are away, working), and you happen upon this single link of many of the fair blog of Rocksucker, Lucas does indeed fail to serve up the revolutionary, anti-hero manifesto that our overly manufactured age so craves.

      Please allow me to fill in for him on this one, so as to satisfy your righteous demands of the independent music blog world (we wouldn’t want a dissatisfied customer now, would we?) Here, is clearly what he should have said:

      “We, the independent musical adjudicators of the Rocksucker world do here forth find it self-evident that exhibit A, an imbecilic Jared Leto crooning the mind-numbingly meaningless combination of English phrasings of one certain Rihanna, is an afront to the basic cultural sensibilities of all right-thinking, music-loving peoples because….

      We the people, deplore the thought of being spoon-fed unproductive, pretentious drivel from the minds of spoiled cretins seemingly unwilling to go any further than basing their critical work on the output of other, perhaps differently motivated, individuals.”

      Basically, to explain my ramblings, I just called you a cunt. I may have warbled on for far longer than needed, but I still reached the same conclusion, i.e. that you are indeed the aforementioned cunt in question. Thus ends my point.

      Yours Sincerely,
      Rob

    • Lucas

      …The End. Finished!

    • MC Robocoptor

      You see people see me with my tattoos and shaven head and think ‘Yeeeeeeeeah he’s a hard cunt!’…yeah shut up you cunt..go fight cancer or some shit n stop wasting my time…I have to fly to Australia on a fortnightly basis to see my daughter as well as taking care of 2,000 more responsibilities you probably never even dreamt of in your wildest dreams and I aint even been to Disneyland fam without having to waste my time listening to your bullshit and that’s just the icing on the cake I tell you. I saved a family of cats from a gas explosion in Swindon last week..what have you done to help our society this month aside from contributing useless negativity?do drugs in regulation,fight cancer and don’t be a dick…YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nice first article Sinclair..keep it up.

      MC Robocoptor