The worst of this week’s singles: Backstreet Boys, Stereophonics, Bullet For My Valentine and more!
Published on August 14th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams
Are you ready for the worst of this week’s singles? You don’t look ready. For starters, you haven’t got a bucket by your side. Or a fire extinguisher, in case your speakers burst into unholy flames.
Ready now? Okay, here – for your disgruntlement – are the worst of this week’s singles. Enjoy/scarper!
Backstreet Boys – “In a World Like This”
Heh. Hehe. Look at ’em.
Hmm. Hehe. Hahahaha.
(Cries with laughter)
Wait, wait…just give us a minute to compose ourselves.
Okay, let’s try again.
*Turns to face video*
Oh, mercy! How much plastic surgery has the one on the right had? At least he can still do that “from the heart” hand gesture. Skip to 2.13 if you’re not sure what we mean.
My goodness, this is too unintentionally funny for words. It’s so entertaining that we almost want to make it single of the week, but it’s important to remember that this in fact a damning indictment of mankind and should be treated as such.
With a heavy heart, we must condemn it. If you need a good laugh, though, we urge you to watch it.
Rocksucker says: Two and a Half Quails out of Five!
Bullet For My Valentine – “Breaking Point”
Emo chorus! Yeeeeeeaaaaarrrrgggghhh!!
Video of band playing in front of a crowd full of moshing people! AWESOOOMMME!
‘Breaking point’, indeed.
Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!
Stereophonics – “We Share the Same Sun”
More’s the pity.
See, you’ve got to read the name of the song first, otherwise the joke doesn’t work.
Look, never mind.
We’d say this is devoid of redeeming features, but in fact it’s just devoid of features. Did they write this in their sleep? No, that would have turned out more interesting, surely.
Unless of course Kelly Jones’s dreams these days comprise entirely, as we imagine them to, of money and Brylcreem. In which case, yes, he might conceivably have written this in his sleep.
Is this really the same band that did “Just Looking” and “More Life in a Tramp’s Vest”? Criminy.
Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!
Katy Perry – “Roar”
“You’re gonna hear me roar”, eh? Sounds more like strangulated caterwauling to us.
The roar of a tyrannosaurus rex bursting through the walls and scooping Perry off the toilet with its mighty jaws would have been a welcome addition to this video.
Sadly, at least in this instance, tyrannosaurus rexes are extinct.
Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!
Ellie Goulding – “Burn”
Your heart sinks as soon as those desperately typical rave synths fade in.
Depressingly, it only gets worse from there. “Burn burn burn burn!” emits Goulding in gulpy Autotune: this year’s worst chorus or its most apt?
Either way, it’s a killer. A quail-killer.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
The Wanted – “We Own the Night”
Sad face that this exists.
STOP. PLAYING. THAT. GUITAR. YOU. DULLARD. THERE. ISN’T. EVEN. ANY. GUITAR. ON. THE. TRACK. AND. IN ANY. CASE. YOU’RE. STRUMMING. IT. OUT. OF. TIME. YOU. PILLOCK.
Another quail bites the dust. Avaaz.org will be on the case soon.
Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!
Arches – “Be This Way”
Seriously, who sings like that? Those yelps and sighs in between every single damn line, those earnest facial expressions…this is a horror of overproduced American FM radio.
(EDIT: They are, apparently, not American. Gadzooks!)
“IIIII yyyyaaaam always gonna BEEEE this way” hollers yer man, yelping and sighing as he goes, apparently unaware that he’s secreting a toxic substance that indiscriminately kills all quails within an eighty-mile radius.
As much as we hate Arches, we hope they get the Scrubs/OC/whatever syncing opportunity their hearts – if they have them – so clearly desire. For it is then, and only then, that they might shut up and go away.
OH, THE QUAILMANITY!
Rocksucker says: QUAIL MASSACRE!
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week’s singles!