Lissie Lissie… Keep driving…further…further…

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Lissie, Jason Derulo, Cahill and many more!

Published on June 19th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

There are some truly fantastic singles knocking about this week. Some bloody horrible ones, too.

Here are said bloody horrible ones, starting with one that – given its perpetrator – surprised us by being the least horrible of the bunch…

Bruno Mars – “Treasure”

Bruno Mars in ‘wanting to be Michael Jackson’ shock. Chris Brown also tried that recently. Suffice it to say, neither of them are Michael Jackson.

This is flippin’ Pet Sounds compared to what we’ve heard from Mars before but we’ll be darned if we’re crediting him for a half-decent idea that his team of producers probably had. Still, he may never see this many quails again…

Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!

a quaila quail

Bullet For My Valentine – “P.O.W.”

Okay, who had “In my darkest hour / A place where there’s no light / I’m trapped here in this nightmare / And there’s no end in sight”?

Still, you’ve got to credit them for summing up in a few lines what it’s like to listen to their atrocious emo. Oh, and a word for the obligatory ‘band rocking out on stage to an enraptured audience’ video.

If an original thought ever entered these muppets’ heads, they’d probably have a panic attack. Bullet For My Valentine: worse, for this week at least, than Bruno Mars. How very damning.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quaila quaila quailhalf a quail

Cahill & Kimberley Locke – “Feel The Love”

Feel the vomit rising to your mouth, more like.

This is the musical equivalent of a total idiot. Sorry, that’s not a very illustrative or eloquent review, but have a listen yourself and see if it deserves any better. Whoever this Cahill character is, he should be ashamed of himself for cashing on the goodwill engendered by his footballing namesakes Tim and Gary.

It is to be hoped that he feels not the love but a hammer to the head. Not a real hammer that could do real damage – we don’t want that – but a cartoon mallet that’ll leave him in a tongue-lolling, stars-seeing daze the pain of which he shall hopefully come to associate with making any kind of sound. A bit like rubbing a dog’s nose in its own urine.

Locke too. Just stop it, the pair of you.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Frank Turner – “The Way I Tend to Be”

Hey man, nice chiming guitar sound! Shame about the transparent grasp for mass appeal, resulting in something that makes Travis sound like Zappa.

Ah, Frank Zappa: now there was a Frank you could hang your hat on.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quailhalf a quail

Jason Derulo – “The Other Side”

You know those songs that make you sigh the moment the lead vocal kicks in? The ones that invariably limp into a chorus showcasing a genuinely painful, cat-with-its-balls-caught-in-the-flap falsetto?

Yes, just like the Cahill track above. Derulo is another master of the dark arts, which of course also entails a trance-pop progression so dismal that you’ll find yourself struggling to quantify just how dismal it is, because its sheer dismalness has reduced your brain to scrambled egg.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Jason asks the girl in his arms at the end of the video. If only his producer had asked him the same question, our ears wouldn’t hate us right now.

If someone would kindly direct Jason to “the other side”, we’d appreciate that. (Again: joking.)

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Leanne Mitchell – “Pride”

This is surprisingly decent, at least up until the point that Mitchell starts singing. If she had any pride at all, she’d at least try to bear some kind of distinguishing feature. Anything at all. Maybe some kind of hat?

File under W for “wearying warbler”.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Lissie – “Shameless”

“I don’t want to be famous”: well, we beg to differ, because this ticks far too many ‘music by committee’ boxes to be any kind of genuine artistic expression.

It’s a shameless (arf!) attempt to dress an insipid teeny bopper anthem up as something angsty, insultingly doing so by a) putting a slight rasping distortion on the vocal, and b) saying ‘fuck’ in it.

If the world had any sense, Lissie would sink quietly and without trace. Alas, it doesn’t, so expect the gullible hordes to raise this aloft as the soundtrack of a generation.

This is petulant, mind-numbingly formulaic trash that makes Meredith Brooks sound like PJ Harvey. Can we do one more? Okay: it makes Avril Lavigne sound like Janis Joplin.

It’s being released on 7″. Who on Earth would buy this on 7″? Put another way, how many 12-year-old-girls collect vinyl?

Parental advisory? **** off.

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

a quail massacre

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.