Bastille “Give me the Nick Grimshaw!” – “Er…if you insist.” – “I do, sir.”

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Bastille, Kodaline, The Script and more!

Published on June 5th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

Wuuurrr! Wooo aaarrr! Meeerrrggghhh!

By which, of course, we mean: here are the worst of this week’s singles…

Afrojack feat. Chris Brown – “As Your Friend”

Afrojack’s got more annoying noises in his locker than you’ve got, you know, whatever you keep in yours, that is if you have a locker, which a lot of you probably haven’t. Basically, imagine if Calvin Harris was a robot and someone spilt a cup of tea all over him: voila, Afrojack!

“Watch me spread my wings and fly” warbles Brown, and we’d be happy to direct him to the nearest tower block so he can show us. Something like this, but much higher up and without the snow to cushion his fall…

Yes, our love affair with Chris Brown continues unabated.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Bastille – “Laura Palmer”

What accent is this guy singing in? Mumfordese? “Can you feel it?” Yes, like a seafood enema, shells, claws and all.

At around 1.40, the music and video unexpectedly cut out to show ‘camcorder’ footage of a dog: this is by some distance the best part of the song. Bastille are a bit like Fun. without the, would you believe it, fun. As condemnations go, we don’t expect to dish out many more severe for the remainder of this year at least.

“If you had your gun, would you shoot it at the sky?” sings the dipstick whose name we shan’t even do him the courtesy of googling. In response to his question, we say: guess again, punk.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Fuse ODG feat. Wyclef Jean – “Antenna”

Shamelessly jumping on the Azonto bandwagon, this is perhaps Wyclef’s most lamentable career move since those adverts where he got kidnapped. If you like obnoxious rave synths and autotuned warbling, you should be fired into the sun you’ll love this.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Kodaline – “Love Like This”

It’s the new Mumford & Sons! Do you think they’d be pleased to be told that?

“You are the new Mumford & Sons.”

“OMG, thank you! That’s so kind!”

“Actually, you’re kind of like a watered-down Mumford & Sons, which to be perfectly frank we hadn’t thought possible.”

“Yeah, Mumford are quite edgy, quite out there, so we thought we’d temper their wild abandon by infusing some McFly influences into it all.”

“It shows. It really, really, really shows.”

In the video, the singer gets punched and slapped repeatedly. It’s the sole reason to watch it until the end. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our second Dead Quail of the week.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Monsta – “Messiah”

Starts out interestingly enough with some swirling, addled piano chords, then swiftly undoes its fifteen seconds or so of good work by throwing in an instantly jarring ‘male diva’ vocal and, of course, the obligatory dubstep chorus.

“Take me higher”: would you care to join Chris Brown on the window ledge?

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

The Script – “Millionaires”

This is bloody horrible, but it’s got a decent enough string section to avoid the ignominy of Deadquaildom.

Still: douchebags.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Union J – “Carry You”

Not a-bloody-nother one of these. Yeesh. For this to take off, why, you’d need a nation full of extremely gullible and/or suggestible people to target it at.

Oh, wait…

Rocksucker says: Not One Solitary Quail out of Five!

Vince Kidd feat. Vanessa White – “The Zoo”

News just in: Music hits new low!

Millions of quails perish!

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

a quail massacre

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.