Nicki Minaj Minaj… Definitely not any kind of sex worker

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Dido, Nicki Minaj, Travis and more!

Published on May 8th, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

It’s the horrible load of tripe that you’ve all been waiting for, folks: it’s the worst of this week’s singles! Take it away, crappy pop stars/indie bands/commercial rappers!

Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie – “This is What it Feels Like”

HOW. MANY. VIDEOS. BASED. AROUND. SOME. WHINY. DOUCHEBAG. IN. A. CAR. DO. WE. ****ING. NEED??

This is what it feels like to have your enthusiasm for a fresh week’s singles sapped from the very outset. We had no idea who Trevor Guthrie is, so we googled him and it turns out he was the lead singer in a now defunct pop group called – get this – soulDecision, apparently best known for their hit single, the mercifully prescient-of-title “Faded”.

And he’s 40 years old, which just goes to show that some people go through their whole lives without ever managing to disassociate emotional resonance from weepy TV montages of orange-faced twenty-somethings gazing longingly out of rain-splattered windows.

Trevor Guthrie can however speak French, Spanish and Japanese (albeit Wiki is demanding citation for this at the time of writing), so his talent is clear: not music.

As for van Buuren, you might want to gloss over him if you ever find yourself arguing the case for electronic music being harder to make than guitar music. He probably pulled this track off an old shelf full of cassette tapes marked “Stuff I Recorded in My Sleep”. You know, next to the shelf full of money, just above the other shelf full of money.

Hello everyone! Beautiful day, isn’t it?

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

The Courteeners – “Van der Graaf”

Insipid, uninspired drivel that might as well be *shudder* Matchbox Twenty if it weren’t for the scuzzy guitar in the verse. “Woah-oh-oh” is probably the single most irritating vocable currently prevalent in popular song, at least in this sort of washy ‘indie’ setting.

As we said when reviewing parent album ANNA:

Watched-over NME interns and Sky Sports production teams may dig The Courteeners, but if this is the cream of the current British crop then we might as well just give up on ever having halcyon days again.

We forgot to mention Gary Neville. He likes The Courteeners.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Dido – “End of Night”

Dido’s voice is so instantly coma-inducing that you can slip as many rubbery electronics under it as you like – even make a sort of edgy-ish video for it, as they’ve kind of debatably not quite done here – and it could still be played at Starbucks without anyone so much as batting an eyelid.

She could do a guest vocal for Slipknot and it would probably wind up on a chillout compilation. She’s like Medusa, except instead of her gaze turning you to stone she’ll turn you to coffee table. Four legs, yay high *gestures palm of hand towards floor around waist height*, horrible woman’s weekly sitting on top of it. Coffee table.

Just don’t look!

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Fun. – “All Alone”

At least they didn’t make an abominably cringeworthy American Civil War-themed video for this one. Doesn’t make it sound any less like a distracted Maroon 5 – which, incidentally, makes it much better than Maroon 5 – but it’s a saving grace any way you look at it.

We’re almost inclined to make it Single of the Week on account of its reticence to assault our senses in more than one way. We won’t, but we will acknowledge it as being one of this week’s better bad singles.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Nicki Minaj feat. Lil Wayne – “High School”

Slut.

After speaking with our lawyers, Rocksucker has decided not to go ahead with the one-word review we had planned for this.

Instead, we shall tell you that it rips off a Kendrick Lamar tune and includes the following lyric, courtesy of Lil Wayne:

“Her pussy so wet, I’m-a need goggles”.

Thanks for that, Lil Wayne.

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

a quail

Travis – “Where You Stand”

The thinking man’s Lighthouse Family are back with a zzzzzzzzz…

Mmmmfff. Tch tch tch. Whuh?

Oh, sorry. In conclusion, Travis have lost their bittersweet charm and made a beeline for flat out Ronan Keating wishy washiness.

Marvellous!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Tune in tomorrow for The Rest of This Week’s Singles!

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.