Biffy Clyro

Biffy Clyro... Snow Patrollier by the day (Image: Festival Eurockéennes)

The Worst of This Week’s Singles: Biffy Clyro, Fall Out Boy, Chris Brown and more!

Published on April 3rd, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

This week’s singles didn’t half contain some stinkers. So stinky were some of them, in fact, that Rocksucker could smell them through the vacuum packing in the box on the truck as it pulled up outside our laboratory to drop them off/unburden itself of them.

Naturally, we reviewed them…

Alison Moyet – “When I Was Your Girl”

Leave it to a veteran to point the way…or so we find ourselves thinking during the spikily dramatic verse, as its consummate musicality is promptly barged aside by a big ’80s chorus that feels both all too familiar and all too desperate to score a hit.

There’s even a fade-out: textbook, in its way.

Rocksucker says: Two and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quaila quailhalf a quail

Andy Burrows – “If I Had a Heart”

Never mind that, Andy – it’s a soul you should be on the lookout for.

Arf!

See, we thought of that ‘quip’ before we’d even listened to the song, which just goes to prove that, more often than not, you *can* judge a book by its cover. We’ve heard much worse than this but that doesn’t make it any less pointless, or Burrows’s resemblance to Chris Elliott’s character in Everybody Loves Raymond any less unsettling.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Biffy Clyro – “Biblical”

…on which Biffy Clyro continue their apparently unstoppable metamorphosis into Snow Patrol. No doubt they’ll score a big, fat hit with this. Good for them.

At least the singer has the daylights beaten out of him in the video. We absolutely wouldn’t condone that in real life, but it sure is a satisfying enactment to witness in the midst of this sickeningly glossy dirge. Dare we suggest Grand Theft Clyro as a video game?

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

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Chris Brown – “Fine China”

Fine china shatters easily, just like Rhianna’s face.

Sorry, that wasn’t cool. Really, sorry.

Sorry.

But will Chris Brown apologise for this gimpy attempt at being Michael Jackson? Unlikely. Maybe we just have more character than Chris Brown. Minor kudos for apparently roping in a half-decent songwriter, though.

Seriously, sorry about that joke before.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Ciara – “Body Party”

New rule: any song that starts with a warble is automatically deducted one quail straight off the bat. If this is then followed up with a ‘steamy’ spoken word section, that’s another quail off. This is a lot like Chris Brown’s single insomuch as there appears to be a relatively canny songwriter and producer behind it but it manages to irritate nonetheless.

“Tonight it’s going down”, apparently. See you there, everybody!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Duke Dumont feat. A*M*E – “Need U (100%)”

Sounds like Livin’ Joy.

We can’t work out whether that means we like it or not.

Nostalgia can be so confusing.

Rocksucker says: Two and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Dumb – “Dive”

This isn’t as bad as the band name and song title invites you to expect, but it’s a fairly ordinary exercise in reverb that occasionally sees fit to outright copy Foals. A big old bowl of ‘meh’.

Rocksucker says: Two and a Half Quails out of Five!

a quaila quailhalf a quail

Fall Out Boy – “The Phoenix”

No, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Good grief. What happened in their lives to make them think they were doing the world a favour by releasing this? It blends disparate styles, alright, but they’re unanimously horrible styles.

Seriously. Wow.

Rocksucker says: Quail Massacre!

a quail massacre

Iggy Azalea – “Work”

This is one jarring-sounding number: think Missy Elliott but not as good, and backed by a ‘ravey’ plastic string section. This is going to be huge, isn’t it?

Oh look, it’s got over three million YouTube views. Good going, world. You’ve done it again.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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Jay Sean – “Where You Are”

Beginning with five or six “yeah”s strikes as somewhat unnecessary…and it’s downhill from there, folks. This is so much of what’s wrong with so much of so much: no discernible talent, no original thought, no charm, 500,000 YouTube hits. How thoroughly depressing.

One for the footballers amongst you. Everyone else: avoid at all costs.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

a dead quail

Taylor Swift – “22”

Euch.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

half a quail

Tom Odell – “Hold Me”

Easily irritated?

Better avoid this, then.

Love being irritated?

Get on it!

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

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See you next week, everybody!

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About the Author

Editor of Rocksucker and the website's founder, Jonny is passionate about the music he listens to, both good and bad, as well as interviewing his favourite musicians.