Steel Panther... No. Just no.
Good Friday Special: Jesus Reviews This Week’s Singles
Published on April 6th, 2012 | Jonny Abrams
To celebrate Good Friday, and moreover the four-day weekend that it activates, Rocksucker is delighted to welcome first-time writer (and long-time reader) Jesus Christ onto our pages to review This Week’s Singles…
Breathe Carolina – “Blackout”
This slice of boner-wielding electro-gash is ruined by a lack of talent or originality, and the ‘masturbatory aid’ element of the video is ruined by the presence of the band. However, there is solace, massive solace, in the form of a shirtless saxophonist who appears to beat the band half to death. More of that next time, please. As things stand, this is just Fall Out Boy in a David Guetta video, a terrifying but apt combo that combines sax and violence. It would seem that the boldly moronic, rather than the meek, have inherited the Earth after all. I guess I owe Satan a Coke.
“I came back for this? One Quail out of Five!”
Casiokids – “Kaskaden”
Very decent glacial electronica with a big ol’ buzzing synth lead; some nice reverb-y plinks toss the whole mix several rungs above the bog-standard pulsing synth-pop that it initially threatens to be. Ideal soundtrack for that post-Good Friday comedown.
“I’m totally buzzing, man! Three and a Half Quails out of Five!”
Graham Coxon – “What’ll it Take”
“What’ll it take to make you people dance?” Well Graham, this driving garage-pop gem is a good start! Chortle. The dizzying, swirling, synthy build-up at the end really gets this ol’ lank-haired son-of-a-God going, know what I mean? Arty flashing snapshots in the video are great for those of us with short attention spans, although not so great for those with epilepsy. Nevertheless, good job, Graham.
“This sets my heart alight. Four Quails out of Five!”
Florence and The Machine – “Never Let Me Go”
Time of first sigh: three seconds into the song. A sigh from me, that is, not Florence. And when I sigh, hurricanes tear through cities. So well done, you poor man’s Sinead O’Connor, you’ve just flattened whole communities with your power-ballad bilge. In fact, you’re not so much a poor man’s Sinead O’Connor as that of a hopeless destitute, exiled to the streets like those maverick kids from Eden.
“WHY GOD, WHY?? Half a Quail out of Ten! I know we’ve switched to a five-quail system, but this is such drivel and we don’t really do quarter-quails.”
Julian Lennon – “Guess it Was Me”
Look, Julian, I’m a big fan of your father’s. I based my whole look on him. So I understand why you’d want to follow in his footsteps, I do. However, as a fellow son of an idol, sometimes we just need to let it go. You shouldn’t be recording Bluntlike dirges just as much as I shouldn’t be strutting about the place telling anyone who’ll listen that I made this world and everything in it. How much of a dick would that make me?
“Next time, don’t be afraid to ask for a LITTLE help from your friends! Chortle. One and a Half Quails out of Five!”
Laura Marling – “All My Rage”
You call this rage?? Laura, you don’t know wrath, girlfriend. This one time, my Dad turned this chick into salt just for looking back at a city she was fleeing. When there’s a thunder storm, that’s just my Dad experiencing a mild inconvenience. Anyway, hugely misleading title aside, this is quite a pleasantly jaunty piece of Gaelic folk-pop that I reckon would go down a storm at my forthcoming barn dance. Laura, could you get in touch and let me know about your availability? You can put your hands together and talk into them, or you can get me on firstname.lastname@example.org
“And then maybe we could grab some dinner somewhere? I know this great seafood place. Three Quails out of Five!”
The Milk – “Broke Up the Family”
I like this. It sounds like Cee-Lo. I like Cee-Lo. I also like it when my Dad messes with things just to screw with people’s heads, like giving this indie-looking dude the voice of an old soul singer. I read a great interview with this band recently and I intend to keep an eye out for them, because this just gets me totally jiggy, y’dig? As for the…wait a moment, what did he just say at the end there? Did he just say “motherfucker”? Why would he want to bugger it all up with a last-gasp profanity? I thoroughly disapprove.
“Ha! Ha! I’m joking, I don’t give a fuck. Four Quails out of Five!”
Olly Murs – “Oh My Goodness”
My thoughts exactly, Olly.
“Okay, that’s enough out of you. Half a Quail out of Five!”
Steel Panther – “17 Girls in a Row”
Aerosmith? Is that you? I’m 2000 years old now. I’m too old for douche-rock, and so is anyone over the age of about 17.
“I’d rather arm-wrestle Satan than listen to this moronic guff again. And that Satan guy’s a jerk. One Quail out of Five!”
Taylor Swift (feat. The Civil Wars) – “Safe and Sound”
So Taylor asked me out, right, and at first I thought, “Yeah, she scrubs up pretty well.” Then I thought about it and I was like, “Hmmm…a 22-year-old and a 2012-year-old? That’s a bit weird.” But we hung out listening to old vinyl and smoking pot. That’s actually when she picked up a guitar and started writing this song for me.
“See if you can spot my cameos in the video. Five Quails out of Five!”
Tribes – “Corner of an English Field”
Lads. You look like me 2000 years ago. Have a wash, you hippies. And learn some new chords. And have less ‘singing’ on your tracks. In fact, none at all would be a vast improvement.
“Sorry, I’m always a little cranky on the anniversary of my demise. Nevertheless, you suck. Have a Dead Quail!”